Monday, January 4, 2010

Friends in eros

One of my fellow warriors once posted a note about her love life on Facebook. Not too personal, nor too general. Interesting and profound, but not specific, at least not for an uninformed person like myself. Inspired by that and other notes, this is my first take on the matter. However, I will (of course) write in the perspective of a guy.

To be clear, the love life in question is for once not the agape love to which this blog is devoted. Rather, it is the kind of love that occurs when a boy flirts with a girl, or when a woman kisses her man. It is the love that in greek is called by “eros,” at least so I think. Native Greeks or scholars in New Testament linguistics can probably elaborate the nuances to the word, but I wouldn’t know or care too much about it. You get the idea. It is that girlfriend/boyfriend thing.

So then, what does it mean to have a girlfriend? First, I think most agree that being a boyfriend is a temporary state. You are not meant to be just a boyfriend forever. There is a purpose to that state outside of itself. So, and I hope this doesn’t cause too much headache to grasp, if I choose to be someone’s boyfriend, I do not intend for that to be the final state of our relationship. And neither do I intend for us to break up at some point in the foreseeable future. No, the intent of going out with someone is to examine if we can grow to become husband and wife. If not always spelled out with writings on the wall, it is clear to me that this is the direction the boyfriend-arrow is pointing.

Thus, it would make sense to find out how a husband and wife should relate to each other, since that is were we are headed. I strongly believe, from observing my own and other families and couples, that a happy family is one in which the husband and wife not only have a passionate eros love for each other, that is they desire each other, but were they also are best friends. It can and will cause a lot of stress if your best opposite sex friend is outside of your marriage. All sorts of awkward situations will occur, and eros is not always as reliable and faithful as one can wish. There will be pain and heartache.

That is why I think it is a good thing if you know your girlfriend well, from even before you ever thought of being with her. If she was a good friend to you before, the chances of you becoming bestest friends with a little common effort are quite high. This can sure be achieved with some random girl, but those chances are far more - yes - random.

At the same time, it strikes me this can be somewhat dangerous. You do not want to lose a good friend – especially not one of your best friends – just because some stupid coupling attempt went wrong, do you? No, of course you don’t. And can things go wrong? Well, I guess. However, when the worst heartache is over with, I know many who have overcome and still are close friends. In the two cases I have in mind, they took a break for six months or so. Then, when the eros deficiencies were fading, they could again be those good friends, happy to work together and again inviting each other over for dinner. I wouldn’t know how much it would take to become “besties” again, though. But that one spot is reserved for that special one anyways, right?

Urban dictionary definition of “besties:”

Friends who have each other's backs, look out for each other, spend lots of time together, and are just really good friends. They have inside jokes together, they go to the park and swing on swing sets, get ice cream, go to the beach, go to concerts, go bowling, and basically any activity that they like doing together as friends.

Does this strike you as your perfect girlfriend, or what? Only, you can also hold her hand.

Read more:
Urban dictionary: Besties
Btw, I'd also like: Newfoundland
or, maybe a: Papillon
or something in between: Shetland Sheepdog

Oh, as I recall now, my previous official take on the matter was a song I wrote and recorded in 2005, "Jentesangen" (The Girl Song)


  1. Practical, sound, and very true.
    Alas, we are still in the stage of not having quite yet found that bestest friend.

    About dogs:
    They are all mixed breed dogs, but maybe you'll find one you like =)

  2. As for a dog, it is really out of the question for now since I'm living in campus housing. But I'll keep the site in mind if it ever becomes serious.

    And yeah, what you point out about uncertainty with regards to that bestest friend is apparently something I can consider more deeply. I have heard others raise questions about the same thing.

    As for know, I believe that we, at least to a certain extent, can decide ourselves who should be our bestest friend. A close friend is made by a mixture of common interests (or better, passions), common experience and common perception (and maybe some other ingredients such as personality etc). Experience is something that has to be lived, and perception is something that needs to be synchronized. We can do this with whomever we choose.